Each time I sense my instincts in action, I feel excitement and awe. For example, on the mat, during a sparring roll, when someone suddenly sweeps me, I fall on my side and automatically send my left to absorb the fall (so that I don’t hit the mat with my face). I will never absorb a fall in a so precise and confident manner when I will consciously do it. Years of human gendered socialization have created great walls of alienation between my mind and body. But I still have the channel of the instinct. When I observe my instinctual responses I feel as though I am watching an alien side of my consciousness, from the outside, as a by-stander.